Lawyer Jokes

Lawyers Jokes

From Actual Court Records

Defendant: You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sit downstairs with a bunch of criminals.

Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.

Defendant: Yeah, but you don’t have to sit down in a holding tank with ‘em.

Judge: Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think of that.


 

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: “I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it.”


 

A very respectable lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came to the questions ‘If your father is dead, state the cause .’ Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: “He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way.”


 

And as for your case, don’t you worry. I’ve argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer. ­ ~Lionel Hutz ­ The Simpsons

Apologists for the profession contend that lawyers are as honest as other men, but this is not very encouraging. ­ ~Ferdinand Lundberg

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. ­ ~Harry Truman (not a lawyer)

You can’t earn a living defending innocent people. ­ ~Maurice Nadjari


 

The lawyers were siblings ­ dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less ­evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, “but compared to him, the departed was a saint!”


 

A lawyer was walking down the street when he saw an auto accident.

He rushed over and started handing out business cards.

“I saw the whole thing,” he said. “I’ll take either side.”


 

Q. How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

 

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the

matter?”

“Well, Your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”


Law in the Movies

I’m your dream client, I’m the most fun, I’m rich, and I’m always in trouble.

~The character Larry Flynt played by Woody Harrelson in The People versus Larry Flynt

 

You know, so much of the time we’re just lost … We think of ourselves as victims … and we

become victims … We doubt ourselves, we doubt our beliefs. We doubt our institutions. And we

doubt the law. But today you are the law. You ARE the law. Not some book … not the lawyers

… not a marble statue … or the trappings of the court. See those are just symbols of our desire to

be just. They are … they are, in fact, a prayer: a fervent and a frightened prayer. In my religion,

they say, “Act as if ye had faith … and faith will be given to you”. IF … if we are to have faith in

justice, we need only to believe in ourselves. And ACT with justice. See, I believe there is justice

in our hearts.

~The character Frank Galvin played by Paul Newman in The Verdict.

 

Everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.

~The character Vinny Gambini played by Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny.


Quotes

An appeal … is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

A British legal expert was lecturing law students from the U.S.:

“Try not to confuse solicitors and barristers,” he admonished them, “they’re already confused

enough.”


Quotes

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; it is justice that hurts.

~H.L. Mencken

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man’s freedom. You can

only be free if I am free.

~Clarence Darrow


Alone in the courtroom

When Mr. Jones sat down alone in the courtroom, the judge looked at him with surprise.

“You’re charged with the serious crime of robbing $5 million from an armoured car. Why don’t

you have a lawyer?”

“I did,” Jones replied. “But when he found out I really didn’t steal the money, he refused to

represent me.”


2+2=

A grammar school student, an accountant, and a lawyer were asked: “How much is 2 + 2?”

The grammar school student replies: “Four!”

The accountant says: “You know it should be around 3.5 but it really depends on the tax bracket

and deductions. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed voice: “How much do you want

it to be?”


Quotes

I have a high opinion of lawyers. With all their faults, they stack up well against those in every

other occupation or profession. They are better to work with or play with or fight with or drink

with than most other varieties of mankind.

~Harrison Tweed


 

Laughing in the Courtroom

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury

would never hear the evidence.


Lawyers Don’t Lie

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a house to him.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of the children.

He took the remaining child with him to look at houses with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the houses and the agent asked: “How many children do you have?” He answered: “12 children”.

The agent asked “Where are the others? The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother”.

And that’s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words.

Lawyers don’t lie…they are creative …………..


Lawyer Quotes

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

During the mid-1980s, dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?
~ P.J. O’Rourke

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
~ Anonymous

Lawyers spend a great deal of time shoveling smoke.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole lifestyle a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.
~ Hunter S. Thompson


 

More Commandments

While summing up the case against the alleged despicable conduct of the accused, the Prosecutor addressed the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, all I can say is that if Moses had known the defendant, there would have been two or three more Commandments.”


 

Honest Lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case, “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.


 

Swatting Opposing Counsel

From actual Court Records

Defendant’s Lawyer: Your Honour, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client’s deposition.

The Court: You mean read it?

Defendant’s Lawyer: No Sir, I mean to swat him on the head with it.  Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition “for any purpose” and that’s the purpose I want to use it for.

The Court: Well, it does say that.

Quiet pause.

The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.

Defendant’s Lawyer: Thank you, Judge.

Thereafter, defendant’s attorney swatted plaintiff’s attorney on the head with the deposition.

Plaintiff: (the victim): But Judge . . .

The Court: Next witness.

Plaintiff: … We object.

The Court: Sustained.  Next witness.


Went to see a lawyer

Newman went to see a lawyer.
“I need something to calm myself down,” he said.
“But I’m a lawyer, not a doctor,”
“I know,” said Newman, “I need a divorce.”


Plumber repairs toilet

After a plumber finished repairing a toilet in the lawyer’s home he handed him the bill. “Five
hundred dollars! For an hour’s work, that’s ridiculous! Why, I’m a lawyer and I don’t make that
much.” “I know,” replied the plumber, “when I was a lawyer I didn’t either!”


Corporate Resolutions

At the height of the economic turmoil of 2008, the corporate lawyer comes into the office of the CEO.
“How are we doing?” asks the CEO.
“Well,” the lawyer says, “I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?”
“O, the good news,” the CEO says, “Things have been so bad lately.”
“Well,” the corporate lawyer says, “Your wife has obtained 2 pictures for about $1,500.00 that are worth at least two million dollars.”
“That’s great,” says the CEO, “but what is the bad news?”
“The pictures are of you and your girlfriend in bed.”


Lawyer Baby Names

Lawyer Baby Name Book:

Girl: Sue
Boy: Bill


Testing the Bias of Jurors

In testing the bias of the prospective jurors the lawyer asked:

“Does anyone here dislike lawyers?”

As the pause became uncomfortable finally the judge answered, “Me.”


Potential Juror

The Court:  Is there any reason you cannot serve as a juror?

Potential Juror:  I do not want to be away from work that long.

The Court:   Can’t they get along without you?

Potential Juror:  Yes, but I don’t want them to know that.


Dateline somewhere North east of Castor Alberta in 1933 the height of the depression

A foreclosure lawyer in attending the farm to serve the Notice of Foreclosure.  Nobody answers the door so he wanders down towards the barn when he accidently steps in a fresh cow pie.

Not knowing what it was he panics and yells: “ Help me, I’m melting….”


A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office

A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office.

The lawyer asks, “May I help you?”
The farmer says, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
So the lawyer asks, “Well, do you have any grounds?”
The farmer says, “Yeah, I got about 640 acres.”
So, the lawyer says, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer replies, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The lawyer says, “No, you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer replies, “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”
So the lawyer in exasperation says, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer says, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The lawyer in desperation asks, “Does your wife beat you up?”
The farmer says, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the lawyer says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”


Fence constructed to block view from Hell

God decided that the people in Hell shouldn’t be able to see into Heaven so he had a fence constructed.

The people in Hell immediately tore it down, so God had another one built and they immediately tore it down again.

By now God was getting angry and decided to confront Satan and demanded that he ensure that the fence not be torn down again.

“Or what are you going to do about it?” says the Devil.

And God in his frustration finally shouted, “I’ll sue!”

The Devil just walked away chuckling, “And where are you going to get a lawyer?”


Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?

Question: Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?

Answer: Professional courtesy.


A guy rents a hot air balloon

A guy rents a hot air balloon and gets lost so he sees another man on the ground and manoeuvres close enough to yell down to the man:

“Could you tell me where I am?”

The man responds, “You are at 45 degrees latitude and 54 degrees longitude.”

“You must be a lawyer,” the guy in the balloon says.

“Well, yes I am,” the man says, “How did you know?”

“Because I asked you a question  and you gave me an answer I do not understand and I am no better off now than before I asked you.”

“Oh,” the lawyer says, “And you must be a client.”

“Well yes I am “  says the man in the balloon, “how did you know?”

“Because,” the lawyer responds,” you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You asked me a question and I gave you the exact response to the question, but now you say because the answer doesn’t solve the problem you created and you are in no different position than you were in before we spoke, that somehow now it is all my fault.”


You won’t go to jail

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.


Fictitious Characters

You’re sitting at a table with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and an honest lawyer and there is $5,000.00 on the table, who would get the $5,000.00?

You would, the other three are fictitious characters.


Billing Time

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Golden Gates and protests vehemently saying that he’s only 45 and this is way before his time and he shouldn’t have died. Saint Peter looks at him and checks all of his records, looks up and says no, according to the time you’ve billed you are 105 years old.


Difference Between a dead skunk and dead lawyer

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? The dead skunk has skid marks before it.